Some days, the sadness lingers like background static, white noise. Today, I just feel heavy. It's hard to breathe. You were in my dream last night, sorry and sad, present, and promising to talk things over when you got back. And for just a moment, I was relieved.
It reminded me of a dream I had just after Derek died in the accident, where I found him alive in my sleep and cried and cried with relief that he was not truly gone forever.
I know I did everything I possibly could. And that maybe I projected an idea on to you that was not who you are, or are capable of being.
And I'm sorry. For what didn't happen, for what can't happen, for what will maybe never happen. But more than anything, I just have this sadness and hurt that threatens to engulf my very person. I miss you- as a friend, as a lover, as something more. I don't miss the anxiety or the frustration. But I would be lying if I said I feel good now.
I don't know what to do- if there is anything I can do. I just want to know that things are going to be okay.
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