It's cloudy and breezy outside- a rare early-morning scene for Tucson in April. What's the saying.. "April showers bring May flowers"? Not in Tucson, folks. Here in the 520, February showers bring March flowers, and by May, those suckers are suffering under the weight of 95-100 degree temps. I think April is generally a dry month for us, anyway. Which is great. The less it rains during the Spring, the happier I tend to be. A friend recently said that with every degree the temperature rises, he loses a place in a bike race. Despite being a pale creature, I thrive in blazing sunlight and warm rising. Think of me more as a Pale Fire. The higher the thermostat, the better I ride. I chalk it up to all those years on summer swim team and 3:30 pm cross-country practices in September where sometimes my body would lose control of its heating and cooling systems from the heat strain. It wasn't pretty, but if I gained anything from cross-country, it was a resilience in high-temperature competition. And a sense of humor regarding peeing your pants. More on that later, though.
I did not sit down to write with a sense of purpose today- instead, I simply want to record some wandering thoughts as I sip my routine twice-poured cup of coffee before heading out on a Monday cruise with Matt. These clouds look pregnant with moisture, and I am hoping they hold out on dropping water bombs until our return around 10am. After that, they can do what they want.
Last night, as I was turning in for the night, I contemplated a quick entry in my book but thought better of it when I realized I only had one eye open and was straining to stay awake. In those five seconds of hesitation, though, I returned to a thought I have had frequently over the last six months. The forms vary, but the thought is always surrounds the concept of selective reflection. Over the course of my life, especially prior to this year, I have very rarely recorded to better parts of my existence- large and small successes, victories, laughter, smiles, bright thoughts. Even those stories that I wanted to remember fondly were usually imbued with some sort of trouble in the moment. And I have wondered about this a great deal. It is not surprising that I have used my personal writing and reflection as catharsis over the course of my existence. And certainly, a great deal of my life has been dictated by the inability and struggle to manage conflicts, disappointment and hurt. But my life has by and large been no different than most human being's in my encounter of those emotions. I've encountered unexpected death of friends and family, addiction, depression, psychosis, disappointment, personal destruction and mutilation. But so have many others. And I do not wish to undermine the pain that I have dealt with, because it would be a disservice to my self and a lie. However, I do think it deserves constructive reflection and scrutiny in order for me to gain an understanding in how I constructed and perpetuated the cycles of depression I was so accustomed to experiencing.
At this point in my life, there are so many wonderful things to be acknowledged and reflected upon. And I have learned, SLOWLY but surely, that the act of articulating and piecing out "what's good" is not merely a recording of the bright spots, but an exercise in personal affirmation that reinforces what is working in my life and how. With a more concrete idea of those working elements, I can more positively reflect on things that are not working so well for myself, and formulate a plan for altering my behavior and direction. Dr. G calls this concept taking something from the realm of thought into action. And though it sounds like some psychologist's cheesy mumbo jumbo, to me, it is one of the most profound and useful concepts that I have appropriated in the last six months.
So for today, here's to doing "what works" and the further exploration of that concept in life. For myself, it has been the best lens for viewing the world and taking part in its daily motions, rain, clouds or sunshine.
